(Libertarian News Network- Sept.25, 2008): In an exclusive and highly unusual interview, Silverwolf was able to gain the cooperation of the late corpse of Joseph Stalin for his views on today’s agreement on passage of the $700 Billion Bailout Bill that in effect turns America into a Socialist society, from a Free-Market society, though the process has been ongoing since 1913. He was also fortunate to secure, for a fee, the concomitant presence of the ghosts of former Presidents Truman and FDR, who graciously consented to throw their two (copper) cents worth in. What follows is a Historic First.
SILVERWOLF: Gentlemen, I … (Snarling expression on Stalin’s face). Oh sorry Marshall, I had no intention in including you in the “Gentlemen” appelation. (Stalin looks relieved). I… don’t know where to begin. Today’s Bailout Bill agreement, thrown in the teeth of the staunch opposition from the American Public, must give you a great sense of accomplishment, Comrade Stalin.
STALIN: Yes, it is the ultimate Communist victory over the American Free-Enterprise System. We finally did it, as we predicted! The Comrades worked long and hard for this day, and I wish I could have lived to see it, but unfortunately I succumbed to those capitalist temptations, tobacco and liquor.
SILVERWOLF: Yes, those two take out a lot of ’em don’t they.
STALIN: However, I must say that this is the best I’ve felt since that august August day, when your great president, Richard Nixon, took America off the gold standard and declared Bretton-Woods defacto dead. That was one of my best days in the grave, I can tell you.
SILVERWOLF: Yes, it must be tedious for you down there, with not much to do for eternity. Almost as boring as being in the Gulag Archipelago.
STALIN: I suppose, though I wouldn’t know from personal experience.
SILVERWOLF: Yes, well, now I’d like to turn to our other post-moribund guests, former Presidents Harry Truman and FDR.
FDR: You can call me Frank, Silverwolf, to save calories.
SILVERWOLF: Haha. I see you remember I am a Frugarian. “Waste not want not.”
FDR: Yes. We respect all men’s religions, bar the Capitalist.
TRUMAN: (a bit shocked) But you’re not against the small businessman, are you Frank?
FDR: (frigidly to Truman) Please address me in future as Franklin, Mr. Truman.
TRUMAN: Sorry. Now look Silverwolf, were tired of you going around calling us fellers who’ve worked in the private sector, who’ve even been small businessman themselves, barbers and haberdashers, and whatnot — calling us Socialists and Communists. That’s irresponsible.
SILVERWOLF: But you believe in income tax rates of over 70% for some people.
TRUMAN: Well, uh, … well, … uh, … yes, that is an accurate statement, though it don’t apply to most folks, remember that. The vast majority is protected.
SILVERWOLF: And you and Frank agree on a central bank, the Federal Reserve, that can create credit at will, or money out of thin air and pass the debt burden on to the children of the future.
FDR and TRUMAN (shocked and in unison): Of course!
SILVERWOLF: And Federal Deposit Insurance, so that the reckless banks can attract lots of capital, and if they go belly up, the taxpayer should foot the bill.
FDR: It’s only fair that those of us more fortunate should help our local banker if he gets into trouble. That’s just being neighborly.
SILVERWOLF: And you also believe in wage and price supports, so that the price of commodities never comes down for the poor, and the worst worker is unable to obtain employment at any level, so that he’s forced onto welfare to survive.
FDR: High food prices give the poor an incentive to keep working. And the minimum wage means that if a man can bribe his way into a job, he enters an elite when compared to the homeless and the unemployable at the minimum wage. And being in that elite gives a man a sense of dignity, of pride, of personal self-worth. And plowing food into the ground helps all the other farmers get a better price for there crops. That’s called sharing.
TRUMAN: You’ve got it right, Mr. Roosevelt.
FDR: (frigidly) Please address me in future as President Roosevelt.
TRUMAN: OK, but only if you address me as President Truman.
FDR: (shocked) What! I Franklin Delano Roosevelt, scion of Theodore Roosevelt’s blood, should address a Missouri haberdasher as… Sorry… Lost it there… Not used to being out of the grave…Howzabout I just call you Harry.
SILVERWOLF: Well, anyway, I’m sure you two gentlemen are thrilled that your program of the New Deal, which I admit to having scoffingly referred to in the past as the “Raw Deal”, with government ultimately taking over every aspect of the economy, from printing the money, to running the banks and insurance companies, and socializing any losses anywhere in the system, has finally triumphed over the American Free-Market System.
FDR: And good riddance. Although, remember that in theory were for the Free Market.
TRUMAN: Yes, of course. No disagreement there.
SILVERWOLF: Now I’d just like to ask your opinion of some of the more incisive and vocal critics of this plan, like Congressman Ron Paul of Texas, who also sits on the House Finance Committee…
STALIN: I am sorry Silverwolf,you must excuse us but our time is up, and the interview over. It’s well past the hour when I and our guests adjourn to the bar for some vodka, and Wild Turkey.
TRUMAN: I brought my own bottle, Papa Joe. And Margaret will be singing.
FDR: (aside) Thank heaven I brought my earplugs. … Let’s go. I love caviar, especially when it’s being paid for by the Kulaks, and I hear the Kremlin is catering the post-interview reception.
Silverwolf: Well, we’ll sign-off here.
Hoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwww — Silverwolf